A Treatise Against the Speakerphone

It's a dreaded moment when I call my family. I'm not referring to the impending interaction with those who share my DNA. Complain as I sometimes do about having to call home so often, I usually look forward at least a little bit to speaking to my family. I typically call in the evenings, when I know they're done with dinner, ideally done with cleaning up. It always starts, and inevitably ends, the same way: Someone--usually my Dad--will pick up the phone, talk for a few minutes into the earpiece, then say, "Hold on, let me put you on speaker."

That, my friends, is the moment I dread. I've given up fighting it by this point; now, I just clench my teeth, mutter, "Okay," and wait for that *click* that tells me I'm being broadcast live--throughout the room, anyway. I understand why they do this. My mom and dad like to be able hear me at the same time, and it gets annoying to pass the cell phone back and forth, or to have one repeat what the other is saying all the time. Fine. The speakerphone seems designed for that; after all, speakers are meant to amplify sound, right? However, what they and most other abusers of speakerphones tend to forget is that sound goes back into the telephone through the speakerphone function as well.


Now, what do I mean by this? When speakerphone is on, ambient noise is a much bigger problem. Speaking straight into the phone doesn't completely muffle, say, a television playing in the background, but you certainly don't hear it very loudly because the mouthpiece is aimed directly at your mouth. That is not true with a speakerphone. I ought to know--my family never seems to turn that TV off. It's annoying enough trying to hold a conversation with my parents while they are yelling at some player in the Bulls game they're watching while talking to me, but it's made that much worse when you can actually hear the game as it's going on because they refuse to turn off the TV, or even turn off the volume. They also like to turn it on speakerphone while they're doing the dishes so it's hands-free. Not that dishes, pots, and pans ever make noise. I have to say, though, possibly the absolute worst is when another phone--either another cell phone or the house phone--rings, and one of them answers it...Without leaving the room. Naturally, the parent who is still on the phone with me does not take the phone off speaker. I have begged and pleaded and beseeched never to do this, but to no avail. Whether or not you can believe it, I can hear the conversation the other parent is having, typically much LOUDER than the one we are attempting to have on our line. If you can't get the other conversation to leave the room, please turn off the speakerphone, please!

Another issue that consistently pops up with speakerphone is the distance issue. While it's true that you don't have to have the speakerphone directly at your mouth to speak into it, there is in fact a limit to how far you can stand away from it. My brother loves to stand across the room from a speakerphone and talk, to which I can only reply over and over, "WHAT?!?" This may seem to contradict what I just said about ambient noise, but it doesn't. I maintain ambient noise is much louder on speakerphone, but I never said you can hear ambient noise clearly. Just louder. Though I guess if you could hear ambient noise clearly you would at least be hearing something.

STOP THE MADNESS, PEOPLE! The speakerphone has terrible audio quality, and is far too much of a hassle to be used, especially in every phone call. There are hands-free headsets, Bluetooths, even conference calls that are better alternatives to the speakerphone. Or, if you must insist on using this worthless piece of technology, do so in a quiet environment where ambient noise is kept to a minimum, and when you are within a decent speaking range to the phone. It'll keep everyone happier (and my blood pressure a little lower).

Other things that don't blend with speakerphone: Babies, blenders, aluminum foil, bodily gas (yes, I hate to say it...), crunchy foods, public places (ugh, speakerphone in public is a whole other blog altogether), and musical instruments being played within 20 feet, possibly closer depending on the instrument.

~The Original Fong~
**You wish you could pull off being me**

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